Ohio Hoarder Gets Another Chance
By Miss Terpumpernickle
“I’m not a hoarder,” Stevens was heard to protest, “I’m just a graduate student during midterms.”
The dirty dishes cluttering the counters in the sink, bathroom, and the floor of the bedroom, as well as the piles of clothes in the closet, the furniture buried in jackets and discarded clothing, the carpet littered with papers, beads, and trash that was tossed in the general vicinity of the trash can, paint a different picture of Stevens’ living environment.
“I’ve always been kinda messy,” she stated, “but during exams, things just kinda got away from me.”
It took the crew 14 hours, 27 liters of diet soda, and 42 repeats of Lady Gaga’s “Bad Romance” (until the team leader put a stop to that and chucked a fossilized granola bar at the ipod deck), but Stevens’ apartment is now, the crew agrees, fit for human life again.
“Who I felt sorry for,” said one crew member who wished to remain anonymous, “was the fish. They had to look at all that crap the whole time that the human member of the household could leave to study at coffee shops. They were the real victims of the situation.”
Opinion is divided about whether or not Stevens will be able to keep the place clean. Although she was said to have been very happy about the new state of her apartment, she also mentioned that final exams are given in December. Only time will tell if Stevens’ house will once again fall into chaos.
“If this happens again,” stated a crew member, “I’m taking the fish.”